quick hi from a spiraling human
and finding gratitude within the spiral
Hi all,
With the state of the world, I don’t even know where to begin. Or what to say.
I’ve been stuck in a space of freeze. The world is so incredibly loud and quiet at the same time. And I don’t know how to handle any of it. Seems like no one does.
It is a privilege to sit here and type words from the comfort of a home not in a war zone. The world and humanity feels hopeless, but I am trying to remain hopeful that we can do better.
I feel silly going about my life and sending out silly words in an email, but I don’t know what else to do. And if I’m going to be doing anything, I might as well be doing this.
But it’s been feeling difficult to do anything lately.
I didn’t post the thing I said I would on the date I said I would post it.
I put out a poll in my last post asking what ya’ll wanted to read and this isn’t that. I will get to that post - “times I’ve screamed in my helmet while riding a motorcycle,” but it’s not today. That will be sometime in the next month or so, once I have caught up on rest and feel a bit more grounded.
Motorcycles have honestly not been top of mind for me lately. I haven’t been thinking about them. Other things have been more important.
I’ve been slacking on my commitment to this space. And I feel badly for that. It wasn’t my intention to fall off my weekly posting, and then here we are, a month later.
I’ve been dealing with a little bout of depression because I had a falling out with my meds. Or rather, not a falling out, but an on and off relationship with them over the past couple of months.
I’d be really good at taking them for a period of time, feel better, and then because I was feeling so good, the whole, “you take medication for depression everyday because you get sad” thing just disappears from my mind and I go about as if I’m healed, completely. No need for meds anymore!
Wrong. So wrong. So laughably wrong.
And I’m working on getting out of this annoying little pattern of mine. But like everything else, it takes work, and recognition of behavior, and noticing when patterns occur, and breaking them.
Eventually I’d like to get to a point where I am not dependent on Wellbutrin to get me through my days, but for now, it is necessary.
And my brand of depression is a sneaky little weird thing.
My brand of depression is a feral cat with half its tail missing. She’s testy. She snarls at friendly and loving approaches. She feels uneasy about everything. Ready to dart and run at the first sign of life, of change, of action. Ready to hide at the first sign of eyes on her. Ready to curl up in bed, under the covers for as long as she can.
She can turn into a real monster, if I let her dig her claws in too deep. Deep as in, I let myself seep out and disappear. Deep as in, I float above myself. No longer in my body, I forget how to feel myself breathing. Forget that I am in a body that feels sensation and emotion.
It takes so much rest and reassurance to loosen the grip.
And it all feels like a constant, uphill, back and forth, yo-yo battle. Something that constantly has to be managed. And that is even more exhausting.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that that is just kind of what it’s like to be a human being on this planet at this point in time.
We’re all constantly managing so many different things. And it’s exhausting, right? It’s exhausting to be a human today. On this planet. At this point in time. With *gestures broadly* everything.
And I often wonder if it’ll get easier to manage this whole being alive and conscious thing. The answer often feels like a loud “no,” but then I pause and think on it some more and that’s not the case.
It has gotten easier. I’m a million miles away from the person I was two years ago. I’ve escaped so many toxic patterns. Returned to my body and myself. And I am so proud of myself for doing it. It was a long and difficult process of sitting within the discomfort of taking an honest look in the mirror. A lot of asking myself hard questions that have a lot of painful answers.
Where am I getting in my own way? And for what purpose? Who did this behavior serve and why did I fall into it?
I have remembered to take my meds everyday this week. Which is a win, but battling with my hormones is a whole other story.
Today, I am having a hard time functioning. Having a hard time figuring out what to do next. And being in this space, of unsure, is really difficult for me. It leaves me in a state of panic. Looking at everything at once, and spiraling.
Today, I am feeling like I don’t know how to function in the world as it is. And it feels extra difficult because I look around, and it seems like most people have a handle on it. And I question myself, “what is wrong with me?”.
I know this is not the actual case. I know so many people that are in this same place. But sometimes it is hard to remember that.
At the moment, so much feels out of my control. So much feels like I am stuck in the washing machine motion of a ocean wave. And I can’t sort out where the ground is, where the sky is, where my body is within it all. I don’t know which direction is up and down and it kind of feels like I just have to wait until the wave decides to spit me out, and slam me onto the shoreline.
I know it will all sort itself out. I will figure it out. This feeling is temporary, but fuck is it hard. I know I just have to ride it out. And today, I am finding more ease in trying to focus on the things that are still in my control, and finding gratitude for them.
There are still plenty of things within my control.
I am grateful that I woke up safe and warm this morning. It increasingly feels like a privilege in this world.
I am grateful for being able to cook a nutritious, delicious meal for myself.
I am grateful I can go out into the sunshine, breathe in fresh air, and move my body.
I am grateful for a body that is able to move.
I am grateful for my loving, kind, understanding, caring best friend and husband. (The term “fiancee” feels weird to me. On January 1st, we’ll have been together for 7 years so I can technically call him my husband, right?)
I am grateful for my beautiful and wise older sister. I am grateful that although we weren’t able to get to know each other growing up, we get to choose to have a closer relationship as adults.
I am grateful for my grandmother and my parents. I am grateful they brought me into existence.
I am grateful for warm and soft cats.
I am grateful for our beautiful sanctuary of a home.
I am grateful for our withering garden, which provided so much pleasure over the summer months.
I am grateful I am able to type words on a computer. That I can hit the “publish” button and share with all of you.
I am grateful for periods of rest.
I am grateful for yellow leaves, and the changing of seasons.
I am grateful that I can choose to begin again, and again, and again.
I am grateful I get to try again tomorrow.
I am grateful for the breath in my lungs and the blood in my veins.
Thanks so much for being here. I hope you are finding some peace and rest despite everything. ♡
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